Could you take away my weakness, I'm not that strong...

This may be some sort of record,
I only waited a month to start writing in this thing again. Go me. It is 6 days til I am officially old (i.e. 22) and I couldn't be more pleased. I love Valentines Day, mostly just to spite all you people who hate it. I've been back from Israel since the 15th. it was amazing. It didn't renew any of my feelings toward organized religion, it actually made me more angry at the orthodox, but I saw some beautiful things, walked in the desert, floated in the dead sea, saw Jerusalem, met wonderful people, and was just plain happy that I got to leave the U.S. I've been saying for the longest time that I wanted to do that, and now I have. Fear of planes be damned! I wish I could go everywhere, but I have to remind myself that there is plenty of time for that.

It's so funny when you're as young as we are and you feel like you're running out of time. I tend to live in the future, so it's hard to think about right now, I'm full of that stupid youthful optismism of feeling that I want to experience everything and be fulfilled. I have trouble when I see some of my friends who are willing to just settle in a place. I don't want to stop moving. That;s probably why I'm having trouble planning what to do after school is over. LSATs are over as of last week, and what they are will probably seal my fate law school wise. But I'm thinking that even if I do get in, I might just want to find a low level job on the Hill and live in D.C. for a few years. I really love that place, I've only ever been there a handful of times and it always felt like its where I was supposed to be. I don't want to put it off for another 3 years, plus whatever time I'll have to work in a firm to make up my student loans. Blahdy blah.

At the same time, I don't want to think about life outside of Rutgers. I've finally accepted the fact that I'm leaving, and that it's going to be fine because it just will be. Its a vast improvement because in the beginning of the year, I felt like I couldn't leave New Brunswick, and wanted another year. Now I've sort of conditioned the same feeling of NB as I have for Vernon: this place has given all it could, and you have to get out or you're going to regret it. There's nothing more for me here after graduation. I have to take what it has given and leave. It's really hard for me to separate from the people, and from the sense of familiarity that has come with living here, but I want to find a new place that I can become familiar with as well.

I know this may all sound like craziness, but its just amazing when I think of how much happens in 4 years. I look back at high school, and notice all those people I lost touch with (though the important one are still around) and I just don't want that to happen again. It's so absurd to mourn for those things which you haven't yet lost...but it's impossible not to acknowledge that it probably will happen. i don't know, i think it helps me to treasure everything and everyone now. I like being so lucky, I would just hate to lose it but nothing lasts forever.

Well kids, hope you think I'm a freak now ;)
-rach

have a happy valentines day